Just A Dream
This is not like, a dream I am aspiring to – I want to make that clear. This is just a dream I had last night, and like most dreams, you may wonder what it means, but it is just a dream.
I was sitting in the back seat of the car. I believe The Hubby was driving and The Boy was sitting next to me. But I also had a bundle in my lap – a wiggling little bundle, that when it wiggled around to face me, showed me his beautiful little baby face. You parents out there know what I mean – the absolute beauty and joy of a baby’s face looking at yours, recognizing you, stopping and staring at you.
Now, in reality, that baby of mine would be in a car seat, no matter how young he was. But this is a dream, and in dreams the rules of reality don’t necessarily apply. We were driving on the road, and I just had this little guy wrapped up in a blanket on my lap. He started to wiggle some more, turning his body towards mine, as if he was looking for something. Instinct kicked in for both of us; I lifted up my shirt and he started to nurse.
What almost woke me up out of the dream was the overwhelming sense of joy and peace when he latched on. It startle me with such a jolt – I truly hadn’t expected to feel that. But I pulled myself back into the dream to continue to nurse him, to see his eyes look up at me and to smile at me.
But…reality interrupted. I heard some little girl throwing a temper tantrum. It got louder and louder until I was fully awake and realized the tv was still on. I’ve never seen it, but I am pretty sure it was The Little Princess. Don’t ask me what it was doing on at 2 in morning – I’m not in charge of scheduling on Starz. I started to watch it a bit of it (I was awake, remember) and thought to myself, I really have no interest in this movie, I’d rather go finish my dream.
So I snuggled back into my comfy flannel sheets and fluffy comforter and closed my eyes. It doesn’t ususally work, but sometimes I can get back into a dream. Tonight it worked, although not for long.
I was back in the car, although the baby was done nursing. We were still driving, and he was still in my lap. Suddenly there was gun shots fired into the car (great way to get back in the dream, right?) I dove to the floor of the car, trying to protect the baby. I wondered where the driver and passenger (the ones I assumed where The Hubby and The Boy) were… because I was alone in the car with the baby.
After that little scene, I have no recollection of what happened. I don’t know if I woke up and lost the dream, or if it just stopped there, or if it kept going and I just don’t recall it.
But I still remember that amazing sense of joy when the baby first latched on. But it is just a dream, not the kind of dream I am trying to make reality. I am definitely done with having babies. The Boy just turned 16 this summer – to have 17 years between siblings is too much. I am done with diapers and midnight feedings and teething, but that also means I am done with holding a baby, breathing him in and holding him close.